Pastor dave Testimony pt 2, Beauty from Ashes, Set Free From Porn

Finally my big break, a Pastor had actually asked me to come on staff (1000 member church) as his Youth Pastor. Up until then I had been Senior Pastoring small rural churches, so a real salary and Gods green flag to teach and minister to the multitudes sounded like it was from the burning bush.

Only one problem, pornography is the only drug you dont have to buy or get online to get to. I still couldn't escape my mind! All I had to do was rewind all those movies and pics.
Yes, you guessed it, back at it again, only this time my wife found it. I blundered my way through many heated words and escaped without a scratch. It's funny, (not really), that my wife found out and would confront me almost all the time and yet still loved me anyway. How could I keep killing her like this?

Then my wife tried to put a filter on the internet. No problem, I found ways around that too.
Finally out of a desperation to flee myself, Porn, and another destroyed ministry. I secretly packed some things in the night, and the next morning went to my staff meeting, got up in the middle of the meeting, got in my car and left my wife, 6 kids and the most incredible job in the world in an attempt to escape the needless shame of getting caught again.

Well, God works in mysterious ways: that day, praise God, I lost my job, but God graciously gave my family back.
My wife is amazing and is to this day commited to being a proverbs 31 keeper of the home.
Our financial situation forced us to move back to Northern Ca. where it all started. I went back to my tent making skills (laying floors and managing carpet stores) While my wife, still not yet recovered from my previous departure, stayed home with the kids.
I, not of sound mind and now free of any ministry obligations, began to buy DVD's and Mags because my wife bought a really good internet filter.

One day while out looking through our Van for something she lost, she found all my porn stash.
This time she was more than devastated. Words could not describe what I have put this poor woman through.
I finally saw her pain and the destruction I had reaped in our lives, (not just mine), that I had destroyed Her life, my life, our finances, my respect and honor among my kids, peers, and our future was bleak.

Crushed by the pain I caused yet again, I left...... Only this time I was determined to keep going. I drove from northern California to the Mexico border until my heart just couldnt take it. I knew I was breaking her heart wide open. I knew the kids who worshipped me were freaking out. I turned around and drove through the night to come home to a loving and still forgiving wife and kids.

I was totally relieved when she said maybe you need help. Even though I had destroyed this womans dreams of a normal marriage she still said the words I had been dying to hear "Maybe this is something we should work on together".
God had intervened again only this time My wife called all my ministry and Pastor friends before I arrived and told them of my secret struggles.
I didnt try to hide anything, instead I confessed and wept embarrassing tears,tears of shame, tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of repentance, tears for how I had hurt my Jesus, tears for over 30 yrs of pain I had sown to my flesh.

I could barely look my wife in the eyes for weeks, but I knew something inside had changed. Call it a miracle but God gave me the determination to this day, to earn my wifes faith and trust back. It might take years and might not even be totally restored but I'm not going to stop serving her and loving her with a pure and godly love.

I am leading family spiritually again, and am enjoying teaching and discipling my family, my first ministry and new church.

God has given me the ability to keep my eyes and mind clean.

It has only been 1 year and I am still clean. How? I have been renewing and transforming my mind through Gods Word and experience the grace and loving forgivness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ.