He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; And being fully persuaded that, what He had promised, He was able also to perform.
Encouraging women and girls to return to the art of truly biblical, christian womanhood.
Inspiring Quotes
I had a tragic childhood, as many children today do. It doesn't seem so tragic anymore since it is so common amoung families today. My mother and father were young when they married. My mom was brought up in a strong catholic home with 11 brothers and sisters, my father brought up in a home where he had 4 different mothers and one sister. His father was very promiscous and moved their family several times. He and my mother were married in Mexico after discovering an indiscreet pregnancy. They settled in Thousand Oaks, California and had 3 children. During their marriage, my father committed adultery and I believe, this was the beginning of my mothers shattered dreams. Until then, she had lived in the shelter and protection of a very loving and religious father with a large family. She now had been awakened to the evils of this world.
A year later, When I was 4 years old, my father had an aneurism and died on Christmas Eve. I remember the night my mother told me of his death, but I cannot remember anything else for a long time. I have glimpses of moments in time of my childhood and have pictures I've seen that remind me of things. I think children, when tragedies happen like, losing their father, life becomes a big blur, full of pain, sorrow and confusion. I believe our heavenly father protects children from remembering many horrible things that happen to us as children. For this I am grateful. After my father died, my mother, it seems, was lost. And is still lost. Lost in the fantasy of trying to return to that shattered dream. She found many men to try to replace her husband and be a daddy to us. They all shattered her dreams. They left her, penninless, hopeless and more lost than ever. My mother discovered a way to hide her pain through alcohol and drugs. And when I was 12, I discovered this way too. I snorted my first line of cocaine, had sex for the first time and got drunk all at the age of 12. By the time I was 21 I was living with a 43 year old man in Northern San Diego County, dealing drugs, sleeping with his friends and snorting crystal on a daily basis. My dreams of what is was like to be a woman had definately disappeared, and my only concern in life was how to stay high constantly! My man at the time had a very violent temper and would regularly beat me. Insane as it was, I had a pretty good job working in the hotel industry. I used this as an escape from the hell in my life, and spent long hours working and staying away from this man. I had a new dream now. To be a "corportate woman" with all the frills and thrills that money and prestige could buy! I worked my way up and became a Reservation Manager. That is when I met my future husband, David. I thought I had met my Knight in Shining Armour! Here he was! Gallant, handsome, attentive, sweet, kind. A gentleman! I was so excited! He asked me to marry him on our second date. All my dreams of girlhood came flooding back. This was a better high than any I'd ever had. It didn't matter that he was married already. He told me he hated his marriage and wanted out. Great, I would be there waiting for him. He left her. We moved in together right away, not without a struggle from my boyfriend, but we made it. And I was oblivious to what had happened on his side, all I knew was that I was getting my dream! It wasn't until years later did I realize the devastion we had caused.
Do Dreams really come true? Continued.......
Shattered Childhood
My Salvation
About a month after moving in together, David's mother shared the gospel of Jesus Christ with me. It was what I needed to hear all my life; That I had a loving Father in Heaven, who loved me, forgives me, and would give me the desires of my heart! All I had to do was believe! I gave Him my life right then and there. I was so elated to now have the man of my dreams and the Father of my Dreams! I can't remember ever being so happy, right at that moment. I cried tears of joy for weeks! It was then I found out that David was a christian. This made me even more happy, for now I had a religious man too. It made no difference to my selfish mind, why he was not in church, why he was living with me or why he was getting divorced. I was living in a fantasy. But David knew. And if you've ever been a backslidden christian, you know the darkness, the conviction, the guilt and the shame that it brings. We lived together for almost a year, until David snapped. He left me secretly while I was at work and went to live with his old pastor. My dreams shattered once again and I was in utter despair. This was the beginning of my sanctification in Christ. This is where Jesus started teaching me to not have any idols(like a man). To not put my hopes in dreams in anything but Him and to rely soley on Him for my need for peace, love, joy and security.Thus, began my life for me as all my past is like a blurred memory. My walk with Christ however is like an open book seen clearly through the light of His love. I learned that first time David left, that God is a jealous God, and that He wants all of me. That He wants to be not only my Father in Heaven, but my husband and best friend as well. He will not allow me to have any other gods before Him, including my future husband. However, old habits are hard to break......
My Marriage
God gave David back to me, and we were married in Las Vegas in 1992. I think I thought after that first breakup we had, and after I learned to put God first, that nothing really bad would ever happen to me again. Once you've lived your growing up years in a fantasy, it is hard to stop doing that. The christian life became a fantasy for me. I thought now that I have David back, nothing bad would ever happen again. Now I could fullfill my dreams as a "christian woman" and a "christian wife." I became very pious and self-righteous. If things weren't going the way I thought our "christian life" should be going, I did my best to make it happen. I was blind to my husband and his desires. I was blind to those around me. I endeavored with all my might to make my dreams come true. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I found myself in the deepest pit of hell, with all my dreams shattered once again. You see, my husband, was an addict. He also had had a tragic childhood and looked to God and christianity to deliver him. However, childhood addictions and behaviors don't die easily. My husband had addictions to pornography, drugs and alcohol. I was so involved in living out my fantasies, I failed to see the cries of help my husband was so desperately trying to tell me.
Thus began his secret life from me for 12 years. Because of my self-righteousness and lack of compassion for the "weak christian" my husband had nowhere and no one to turn to . We were also very involved in ministry, pastoring small churches around the western United States. For people it's hard enough to admit their shame, let alone pastors in a "christian community" where so much judment and critism prevails.
I never knew why my husband and I would fight so much, or why he seemed so cold, or why he was so disinterested in my life and the childrens. I would get so angry at his lack of attention, never being home and him not wanting the same things I did. I couln't figure out why he didn't want the same dreams I did. This made me so angry, so bitter, so critical. I would read and read about all these homeschool families with these great husbands, so pious, so devoted. And then I would look at Dave and think, "what's wrong with him?" "Why is he always so far away." Once and awhile I would catch Dave drinking with no one knowing, or find his stash of porn. He liked to listen to rock music too at work and never really cared how much I hated it. He had a hurt back from installing carpet(his other job to support us) and would take pain killers. He took tons of pain killers, which would alter his moods and cause me to be more bitter. Then he would repent, feel bad and stop his addictions for awhile, only to return to them months later. I kept teaching myself; be a loving wife, be forgiving, be obedient, die to self. I read tons of books and magazines for help on how to be an excellent wife. I thought, the better the christian wife I become, the more he'll love me and want to change. I did this all on the outside to keep up the front, but was crying and seething the whole time on the inside.
Gods Dream for my life
Psalm 37:4 tells us to "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." God is to be all our dreams. The Lord is to be all our fantasies. God had to remove all "MY" dreams, all "MY" fantasies about the "christian life" to open my eyes to His DREAMS and DESIRES for my life. Once again, he removed David from my life. Only this time I had 6 kids. And not only once, but 3 more times did David leave without a word. He was so tired of not being able to live up to the "dream" and failing constantly, he thought, I would just be better off without him. I finally woke up and realized the oppression I had caused him, and also realized the help he needed. The friend he needed. The "wife" he needed. He needed someone with courage, who didn't look at "herself" and what "he" had done to her, but rather looked at him through Jesus's cleansing blood and with Jesus's compassionate mind. He needed a woman who would forgive him, seventy times seven, a humble woman who would not judge and critize, but rather love and comfort. The third time he came back, I think I finally had died and put all my trust in Jesus. I realized God was answering my hearts cry, my prayer, my desires. A marriage that was open, honest, loving, caring. God allowed these tradegedies to rid me of my pride, my selfishness, my desires. It was hard and still is. To continually trust God to do what is best for me, even if it means my husband leaving me. I have learned to put my hope and trust in God and Him alone. No one is perfect, except Jesus. I have learned to delight in the Lord, not in my dreams.
Returning to True Womanhood, or the lost art of biblical, christian womanhood, is not just learning and reading about it. It's not just performing it to live up to some dream we have of what life should be like. What do you do if that dream shatters, like sin so often does in christian marriages. What then? Are we still going to be able to act out this dream? No. True Womanhood is truly being and doing what Christ says. It is denying self, taking up our cross and following Jesus, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how bad it looks, no matter how much suffering you must endure. The woman of old had strength, they had faith, they upheld their duty. Like Sarah, they trusted in the Lord and obeyed their husband to the end! They were Titus 2 women; holy, not slanders, self-controlled, loving their husbands, loving their children, discreet, chaste, keepers at home, obedient to their husbands. They were like Christ(1Pet2:21-25),who in subjection to His Father, died for us, "likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word, be won by the conversation of the wives."
Today I love my husband more than ever and we are on the road to recovery. But I am careful to recognize that old habit of fullfilling my dreams versus allowing God to fullfill His Dreams for me.
Welcome To True Womanhood
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